Hear Me

   This is the fourth time my cancer has come back. Kinda funny to think I have breast cancer in my brain. Odd ain't it?
    I have been thinking about how to tell people the cancer is back. After four times there is no easy way. It ruins everyones day. When I was first told of cancer, I told everyone. Partly because I was being ragged on by my mom. You gotta tell them, they need to know. I am still angry about that. I hadn't quite processesed what was going on. I must say after a few more times she has mellowed and know understands to give me time. The second time less people are told. Now only family and people I am in contact with daily know. I am not sure why? Maybe because it does ruin a perfectly good day. There is no way to slide it into a conversation. You just have to say "I hate to ruin your day, my cancer is back." To fun at eight in the morning.
   This time was the hardest on me. My sister-in-laws mom had just passed. I so did not want to say anything to her. But, as it turned out she got the ear full. R is awesome she is in grief over her mom, but still will listen to me yell and scream and be mad at the gods.
    My dad lost the love of his life to cancer. I had to tell him my cancer is back. He does not know weather to wind his ass or scratch his watch. But he is hanging in there. 
    My kids are hanging in there. They will freak out, when told to.
    Jeff, my man. Is handeling it like Jeff. I make it to appointments, and have everything I need. He does not let me make excuses, or scam out of anything.
     I want people to understand that I am tired of trying to be brave and confident. I do not have the energy to reasure everyone I am fine. I am angry and scared. I want to yell and scream. I do not want to make this easy for you. It is about me! If I do not answer the phone or want to talk, I am fine! I want to be alone, or you have pissed me off. My job is to take care of me not you. I am saying this because after you tell people everyone is so worried about you attitude. You must be this way, you have to feel that. Piss off!! I have been a good little solider. I want to be very angry, and yes feel a little sorry for myself. I have earned that right.
    Let us be angry. Let us be scared. Stop with the I am sorry, and looks of pity. Let us scream. Most importantly listen. You never have to say a word. You really do not even to look interested. Just sit. You would be amazed at how wonderful that is. Just to have someone sit and listen to everything petty and serious. I thank D for that. We do not want things fixed, we want to be heard.