Hi Everyone

   All done with radiation!!! So, happy not to drive into St,Paul everyday.
   Waiting for spring. Waiting, waiting. I can see grass in the yard. My flowers have not even tried to show, yet.
    School is good. My life seems to have become boring. I am all for that. Boring is good.
    Sorry not alot to say.

Just a quick note.

    I have been busy working on my mid-term for crisis intervention. Thank god it is open book, and I get two trys at it. I did find out I knew more than I thought.
    Today is my birthday. I really am whatever about. I have always been so excited about it. Today it is oh well. I do not have a problem with gettting older. I think woman just get better with age. I know I am more comfortable with who I am. I am more at peace with who I was. I have even learned to forgive myself. ( a little)
    I only have three radiation treatments left! I am so sick of driving into St. Paul. It will be nice to have one more thing off my to do list.
    Gotta get ready for school. Love and Hugs

Hi Everyone

   I am off the steroids. Funny how I could not wait to be done. They messed with my mind, made me never feel full. bloatted me. overall a aweful side effect experience. But, I am nervous of being off them. After all they did the job.
   I only have three radiation treatments left!!! My hair is gone. I am rockin hats once again.
   School is going great. Getting  caught up.
   Spring is a coming!! I can not wait to plant a flower, see my bulbs bloom. ok grass i want grass.

Control

    I have been thinking a lot about control. When you are first given a diagnosis you loose all control. Doctors, nurses, hospitals, tests,scans. Then drugs that make you feel your loosing your mind. Your whole life is be here, go there. I am very blessed to have a wonderful man in my life, and awesome friends to make sure I was where I had to be. But, I had no control over any of it. I did not even have control of my thoughts.
     Now I have gained back control. I control when I have treatment, I control my life again. It is so important for people to have a sense of control no matter how small. If taking some control means a cheeseburger, get them a cheeseburger.
     I feel so much better just by having a control of my life. I no longer am lingering, in a holding pattern. No, matter how sick or confused someone may be they still need to know they are in control. Even if the only control is a cheeseburger.

School

  School is going great! Had a wonderful meeting with 3 of my instructors. They are willing to work with me. What a load off my mind. I do not feel so over whelmed now. Now the hard part of catch up begins. I have to yell to the world how blessed I am for my classmates!!!! All of you are wonderful people. Thank you for you kindness, copies of notes and most importantly being there. I am not sure how or what I can ever do to show you what that means to me. .
   6 days of radiation left! It will be so nice not having to do that everyday. It is alot of work making treatment fit in my life. Chemo will be once a week. That was easy to set up. Plus once a week is still having a life in some contol.
    Waiting for my tulips and daffidils to sprout. SPRING get here!! Winter has been to long!
     Hey R, thinking about you, your in my heart.   

Back to School

Well my hair is gone. Just a bunch of fuzz. It is not right to put a hat on a woman having hot flashes. No worries it will grow back. Plus I got a nice head. School was great! I took a psyc. test. My brain is fried and I did better than on tests I studied for. 5 points better. Yes that is a big deal. Today was great blue sky sunshine. Gotta finish my paper.

I am sad pitiful and pathetic

The drug sucks. but, is getting better. Now, I not only have brain cancer. I have A SINUS infection. What next?  Am I being punished for spring break day? I keep saying God has a cruel streak, along with a very sick sence of humor.

HI! Well I am paying for SPRING BREAK DAY. Feeling wore out. But it was worth every minute. My steroid is in the last stages. That is adding to the tireds. I have been working on school stuff. Still a few problems with retaining and understanding. Some is sticking I hope. So, I am doing some long ignored laundry. I am also ignoreing the floors. I hate doing floors.

hi

Today was alot of fun. Things are starting to be a little normal now. I am thinking straight, no longer think I am loosing my mind. Treatments are all set up. I start chemotherapy on APRIL FIRST! I think that is too funny! The first two weeks are always the hardest. Testing, scans, appointments. Now it is just part of the day. I am very lucky to be able to work everything around school. Now the hard work begins. Playing catch up for the two lost weeks. It will all work out. I am going to work my asss off for school. Alot of ground to cover, but nothing I can not handle. Get out and have a SPRING BREAK DAY!

SPRING BREAK!!!

Had way to much fun and food!!! Walk with the King. I went to the omni theater and saw Mummys. That was so cool, I gotta do it again! Perfect day! I am so ready to kick some serious school ass!! More later

Granny Johnson's Cracked Sugar Cookie

1c white sugar
1/2c brown sugar
1c crisco (no butter)
1 egg lightly beaten
2c flour
1tsp cream of tartar
2tsp soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp vanilla
Roll into balls  dip in sugar   press with glass
Bake 350  about 10 min   ungreased cookie sheet

these are a awesome cookies  give it a try

Spring Break Day!!

My spring break has sucked! So, today is SPRING BREAK DAY!  I am dancing, I am excited! Gonna get zapped in the morning. Then have a beer! Go see King Tut! Get a fruity drink with an umbrella! SPRING BREAK DAY! Hang with my friend T, spend money we do not have! Hey, we are a couple of wild co-eds. Will our kids bail us out?

MY BLOG MY RULES

It has occured to me rules are needed for MY blog.
1) MY BLOG
2) I do not care what you think
3) This is not for you
4) This is not therapy, insites, warm fuzzies
5) This is a place for me to speak
6) You to listen ONLY
7) I do not care about how you feel about what I say
8) MY BLOG
9) If you can not keep your mouth shut and want to have issues worked out, go away!
10) MINE!  MINE!  MINE!

Hear Me

   This is the fourth time my cancer has come back. Kinda funny to think I have breast cancer in my brain. Odd ain't it?
    I have been thinking about how to tell people the cancer is back. After four times there is no easy way. It ruins everyones day. When I was first told of cancer, I told everyone. Partly because I was being ragged on by my mom. You gotta tell them, they need to know. I am still angry about that. I hadn't quite processesed what was going on. I must say after a few more times she has mellowed and know understands to give me time. The second time less people are told. Now only family and people I am in contact with daily know. I am not sure why? Maybe because it does ruin a perfectly good day. There is no way to slide it into a conversation. You just have to say "I hate to ruin your day, my cancer is back." To fun at eight in the morning.
   This time was the hardest on me. My sister-in-laws mom had just passed. I so did not want to say anything to her. But, as it turned out she got the ear full. R is awesome she is in grief over her mom, but still will listen to me yell and scream and be mad at the gods.
    My dad lost the love of his life to cancer. I had to tell him my cancer is back. He does not know weather to wind his ass or scratch his watch. But he is hanging in there. 
    My kids are hanging in there. They will freak out, when told to.
    Jeff, my man. Is handeling it like Jeff. I make it to appointments, and have everything I need. He does not let me make excuses, or scam out of anything.
     I want people to understand that I am tired of trying to be brave and confident. I do not have the energy to reasure everyone I am fine. I am angry and scared. I want to yell and scream. I do not want to make this easy for you. It is about me! If I do not answer the phone or want to talk, I am fine! I want to be alone, or you have pissed me off. My job is to take care of me not you. I am saying this because after you tell people everyone is so worried about you attitude. You must be this way, you have to feel that. Piss off!! I have been a good little solider. I want to be very angry, and yes feel a little sorry for myself. I have earned that right.
    Let us be angry. Let us be scared. Stop with the I am sorry, and looks of pity. Let us scream. Most importantly listen. You never have to say a word. You really do not even to look interested. Just sit. You would be amazed at how wonderful that is. Just to have someone sit and listen to everything petty and serious. I thank D for that. We do not want things fixed, we want to be heard.
   

Hi Everyone

    Not to much going on. Feeling pretty good. Waiting for my brain to be a little normal. Then hitting the school work hard. Sorry all my profs, brain is fried. Steroids, miricle drug, but do they mess your mind up. Can not pull a thought forward, totally emoitional, and confused. I hate it.
    I have been doing alot of thinkinking about people wanting to be friends and make peace when you are sick. For as long as you have known the person they are mean to you. Never say a kind word, offer any encouragement, point out all your faults to anyone who will listen. Then you get sick. Now they feel the need to make nice. Why? When I was "well" I was food for fodder. Now I might die, and you need a clear conscience. That is pretty selfish. Plus, I want you to choke. I know it is not a very mature attitude to have. I should be the better person. But, I do not want to. As I stomp my foot. The lesson here is to be nice, think before you speak. Then maybe a bridge can be crossed. Now it all seems so fake and phony. Plus I have zero reason to ever trust a word out of your mouth.
    I want to say thank you, thank you, to my sister-in-law for setting this up for me. I can not believe how rambleing on is making me feel better. R you rock!!!
   

welcome to my blog

 MY NAME IS CINDI.
 I AM NOT A CANCER SURVIVOR.
 I LIVE WITH CANCER EVERYDAY.
 I LIVE WITH THE DISEASE.
 I THINK PEOPLE FORGET IT IS A DISEASE. IT IS NOT A CAUSE, NOR  A BATTLE CRY FOR JUSTICE,  IT IS A DISEASE.
     I HAVE STARTED THIS BLOG TO REMIND PEOPLE OF THAT. I WANT PEOPLE TO BE HONEST AND PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. CANCER IS INCONVENIENT, MESSY, CRUEL, AND HATEFUL.
     I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF A SURVIVOR IN ANYWAY. I NEVER WAS IN THE DEATH CAMPS, WAS NOT ON THE MARCH OF TEARS. I HAVE A DISEASE. I HAVE RADIATION AND CHEMOTHERAPY FOR. SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE ANGRY WITH ME FOR SAYING THAT. SO WHAT! EVERYONE FORGETS HOW PERSONAL CANCER IS. THIS IS MY CANCER. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE REMEMBERB THAT. I DO NOT WANT STRANGERS COMING UP TO ME INVITING ME TO THEIR GROUP "OF SURVIVOIRS".
AS YOU CAN TELL THIS IS NOT A LOVE FEST. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. THERE WILL BE MORE. JUST WANTED TO GET A START.